Anxiety at High Tide
I am divided. There is ED and there is Mary. I understand that we share one mind, but are not of one mind. I recognize that we have a complicated and inexplicable relationship. I've played this game and rewritten the rules for months now, yet I can't determine who is doing the thinking at the moment. My entire family is home for the last time before we move onto new adventures. I am anxious to the point of utter exhaustion. In an effort to keep my legs from shaking with nervous, edgy, stomach-turning energy I hold them tense; they are so exhausted from the mental tension that has begun to manifest itself this way that I actually can't stand up right now.
Why does every argument or sigh or question need to be laid upon my shoulders? It doesn't, these problems are not mine. I do not attempt to interfere and solve the problems or settle the arguments as I used to do; I just feel their tension breeching my levees and weakening my resolve to only allow my own conundrums to cause me anxiety. I took time to assess my situation before my sisters and dad got home and come up with a plan - but my plan is not up to their standards. Instead of trying to fix everything I have convinced myself to remain detached when the tension rises; instead of adding my two cents I find something else to do with myself. Of course this is a show of depression, this is eating disorder behavior, this is not coping as a functional family member. Well, family, it's actually the only plan I could concoct to get through this weekend in one piece. But please judge it, remind me that I am never allowed to let my guard down in your presence, I always need a reason for my behavior.
Why is it that when pressed for answers my older sister can crumble into hysteria, yet when I am pushed to eat and be more assertive than I am comfortable being (which is every single day) I am held to a much different set of expectations? I am not allowed to yell, to sulk, to comfort myself with isolation or exercise. I must instead smile and embrace this "healthy lifestyle." I want to be free of anorexia, but at times they push me too fast, but I cannot say a word without my return to school this fall being at stake. Why is any resistance from me unacceptable, but my sister can take out her frustration on me: "Oh, I'm crying now Mary's going to be worried and have some problem" What is that supposed to mean? Some problem? I've minded my own damn business since you got home and not once asked you to change your angry and accusatory rhetoric. But if I leave the room at the wrong time or look at food without arranging my features properly first, I've crossed some invisible line that allows me to be a scapegoat.
Who is processing these comments though, ED or Mary? I'm at a lost and too tired to give it anymore thought right now.