I was born cursed with being a perfectionist. I think I could have avoided a lot of pressure and disappointment if my mother would have just named me ”Nobody.” Then, every time someone said, “You know, Nobody is perfect” I could turn around look them in the eyes and say, “why thank you…thank you very much.”
Ever since I was very small, I remember thinking my best just wasn’t good enough. I was always looking for approval and felt this severe pressure to entertain the whole world and make them happy. I was Shirley Temple on the Good Ship Lollipop 24 hours a day.
Battling Anorexia and Bulimia
This inner need to be the best is what basically opened the rabbit hole to my very long battle with Anorexia and Bulimia.
I never ever felt like I would ever be what everybody else wanted, which was to be the thinnest, smartest, prettiest, funniest, female on the face of this earth.
Believe it or not, my recovery became that way as well. I was always trying to do it like everybody else wanted me to. Then the icing on that cupcake called disaster really upped the stakes when I put my whole story on National Television.
There I was center stage, putting on a show but deep inside I was never truly performing.
When I finally realized that the only person I should try to please was me, then things became much easier.
Years later though it kind of took a quirky turn for me: now I am known to be as somebody who managed to survive this horrid disease, instead of dying from it.
I have to say that’s a great place to be, but sometimes what people fail to realize is that I may be out of the woods, but I still have a tree to climb.
I tend to find myself falling into that trap of being the perfect person in recovery, and I have to stop myself a lot and say…whoaaaa. you don’t have to be a superhero Mel..just be super!
My boss will call me out on it sometimes, and say hey don’t do this for me, don’t do this for them, do it for yourself.
It’s a good mirror to have held in front of my face, it makes me see that I have zits on my face just like everybody else!
is a process, and yes mine was very intense. I made it out of the trenches and managed to pretty much get a grip on the behaviors that were destroying me. I had to get my head out of the toilet and start using it to do better things.
I had to eat, I had to put on weight, I had to start acting like an adult, and I had to start taking responsibility for my life.
I am pretty much successful at beating the odds, and I’ll own that. I don’t know if it was luck or what, but I have a feeling it was my destiny to turn this battle into a crusade.
What you all have to realize though is that just because I may be a little further up that road then you,doesn’t mean we aren’t on the same journey.
I have my obstacles just like everybody else. There are days I still feel fat, there are days I don’t want to eat, there are days I mess up,and there are days were I am not at my best.
That doesn’t mean I stop fighting, it just means that I am not Perfect…and you know what that is what makes me smile inside and giggle at my life. I am proud not to be Nobody, I am Proud to be Me!
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