Today, although I did a lot, a lot of time was spent in my head. Dwelling on the past, feeling a little bit resentful, and looking towards the future. I heard in a meeting about a week ago that I'm no longer a victim, I'm a volunteer. I know this is true yet it's a truth that I don't confront very often.
I'm a girl with baggage. Actually, I'm a young woman with baggage, but I feel like child. And so much of my baggage is stuff I want to get away from, stuff that I didn't sign up for. The things that I tried to hide my entire life, growing up. These things are just now staring me in the face. And I feel like my hands are tied, time is moving too slow for me to hide from all of this stuff quick enough... There's so much I can do, but the results I want won't happen tomorrow. And it's beginning to seem like the results that I want may never happen at all. This is where I've often made the decision to pick up in the past. I'm used to instant gratification and, in all honesty, how do I know that if I wait for my head to straighten out it will be aligned with what is in my heart or even with what my higher power wants for me?
Being new in recovery is scary. A lot of things are scary. But I think I might be okay for today.