Day 70-the Obsession (any obsession)
I began showing signs of obsessive compulsive disorder at the early age of 4, when I began lining my stuffed animals, which were predominantly teddy bears, along two ceiling high shelves in my bedroom. My bedroom was a bright lemon yellow with fluorescent lights running along the sides of the ceiling behind a piece of the ceiling that hung down. The walls wore a brightly animated jungle print wall paper with yellow monkeys swinging from green and pink trees. The rules of my daily ritual were this- 1. my stuffed animals had to be facing forward so that their noses and mouths were not obstructed and so that, therefore, they could breathe properly and would not suffocate 2. their paws had to be touching so that they were holding hands (paws) and so that they were not lonely when I was not in the room, and 3. every time I entered the room I had to kiss each stuffed animal twice making sure not to miss any and to not give any of my toys special attention because the others would feel bad.
This process became increasingly difficult, and very time consuming because it seemed as though any time I saw any relative or friend of the family, they had a teddy bear or stuffed animal to give me, thinking that this was something that any young girl would enjoy, not knowing that this would only add to my already tedious and time consuming ritual. I can distinctly remember one particular afternoon, running from my aunt's home (she lived next door) back to my house with a stuffed animal that I had just received. The absolute last thing that I wanted was another teddy bear, and as I ran back to my home to add this one to the shelf with the others, I can remember that I was crying and I felt powerless.
Obsessions in many different forms have been evident in my life from an early age. Although I don't currently deal with the same obsessions I dealt with when I was a child the feelings are the same, and when I put down the drink I tend to pick up other behaviors, some good, some not so good. In many ways I feel like a teenager again, learning how to live life and going through that awkward time during puberty. Everything feels so good, and everything hurts so bad.
I went to a meeting this morning. It helps me get out of my head and stop thinking for a minute. And I plan to go to my home group tonight. I look forward to that hour of serenity that the meeting will bring me; an hour to be free of my obsessions and completely focused on the meeting.