I am known to be a girl who is always on her feet, dashing about in 6 inch heels, while talking to you 20 miles a minute. What a lot of people do not realize is that is exactly what used to go on in my head. I could be sitting there listening to somebody, but meanwhile my mind was the equivalent to that bus in the movie Speed.
It honestly never stopped and I remembered it being that way since college. Working at a Television Station didn’t help. You want to talk about anxiety. The news business eats stress for dinner and wakes up and has it again for breakfast. You don’t sleep, you don’t think, you just go go go.
Since those days it seemed that a day wouldn’t go by where I actually got more than 2 hours of sleep at night, and could actually get through a day without having to take a bottle of antacids.
I do not miss those days of the constant worry my mind went through. It started from the minute I got up to the moment I would go tt bed and then would go on into 2 and 3 a.m. I was constantly fretting about what somebody said, what they didn’t say, whats traffic going to be like tomorrow, what am I going to wear, do I have shoes to go with that outfit, OMG that outfit is at the dry cleaner, do I want to buy a puppy, will I grow old gracefully, I shouldn’t have bought that purse, I need face primer, milk, chicken, and detergent.
My stomach was constantly doing loopty loops, and my heart i was always doing a 50 yard dash.
This is not because I was on crack, it’s not because I had ADD, this is not because I drank 6 cups of coffee either.
What was going on, and I finally had to admit it to myself, was a full blown panic and anxiety disorder.
I knew I didn’t always have panic attacks, and I truly believe my eating disorder was the major culprit that gave birth to them.
Somedays it felt like I was on an airplane in severe turbulence during a thunderstorm.
That’s how bad it got.
Of course over the years I had been put on a slew of medications that probably made those fiesty little babies sit on the bench for awhile.
However when I took myself off all of those meds for various reasons, they came back fiercer and stronger than ever.
I know having a full-time job that is important also added kindling to the fire.
I have a job that requires a lot of responsibility, and being somewhat of a perfectionist, I was always panicking that I wasn’t doing enough. I was always scared that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. The plus side to that was that my imagination and inspiration thrived on the anxiety. It’s what gave me my fuel to pump out my blogs, and to always think outside of the box.
I knew that in the past taking medications to ease the panic attacks snuffed out my mojo a bit.
It always made things a bit fuzzy and comfortably numb.
Unfortunately because of my lifestyle the anxiety was just building more and more.
I finally just had to realize that I could not go around all day being chicken little anymore, always worrying that my sky was going to fall down.
I went to my doctor and he prescribed me a non-addictive med that was supposed to help them.
I sat there for a week and starred at the bottle. I finally after 3 days of no sleep caved and took them.
I honestly noticed a change immediately in my panic attacks. I could actually breathe, drive in traffic, and get through a full day of work without worrying that it was going to all crash and burn.
I am truly glad I finally came to terms and admitted I had an anxiety disorder. I think that so many people out there do as well, and just chalk it up to stress.
Its nothing to be ashamed of, and I have to say that as much as I am against being on a lot of prescription pills, sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you need them.
I have been steadily taking this medication for awhile, and I am happy to report there have been no major side effects and my creativity didn’t go away.
My life improved significantly without so many panic attacks, and I think that I was a clever girl to do something about them.
I can finally live in today without worrying about yesterday, and running around in tomorrow.
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