I think the most frustrating thing for doctors and other medical professionals is that when somebody is killing themselves with an eating disorder they are doing it by their own hands.
It’s like they are helplessly watching you sit there and play with fire. Here it is their medical oath to save lives, and you sit there and do everything in your power to try to stop them.
They also see it so selfish, because they work with countless numbers of people who are fighting each and everyday to stay alive.
When you are in the thick of an eating disorder, you don’t realize how much you are taking your life for granted. You don’t realize all the incredible amounts of damage that is going on. Your inside is eroding away and eventually it seeps it’s way through to the outside and you turn into walking death.
I can’t tell you how many times various medical professionals looked me straight in the eyes and told me if I didn’t get my act together I was going to die. I would basically look at them like they just told me you’ll be fine..take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
I honestly to this day have no idea how I survived what I put my poor body through? All the binging and purging was so dangerous because it messes with your electrolytes. Your body needs the right amount of potassium and sodium to function properly. When you are constantly vomiting you are messing those up, and if your potassium gets too low your heart will just stop.
Low levels of potassium can lead to an irregular heartbeat or other electrical malfunction of the heart. A normal potassium level is around 3.5-5.0. Mine would dip as low as 1.3. This happened on numerous occasions, and I never once had a grasp on exactly how much I was effing around with my life.
Starving my body certainly seemed like the answer to controlling my weight. I felt as though I had it under control, even when I was severely malnourished. I as well as most anorexics did not realize how much of a fighting your body has to do to keep you alive.
That’s what is truly remarkable about human beings really. Our bodies will take matters into its own hands when it senses that death is at risk. It probably goes back to our ancient ancestors who at times probably had to go very long periods of time without food.
I honestly wish I could have truly not only known what my body was doing to survive, but also actually saw what was going on inside.
I wish I could have seen my metabolism shut itself down so that I required so little energy to function.
I wish I could have seen my bones starting to become soft and brittle and looking very old.
I wish I could have seen my body start to become a cannibal eating away at my vital organs in order to try to stay alive.
I wish I could have seen my esophagus being ripped to shreds every time I bent over to vomit.
I wish I could have seen the decay that was eroding at my gums and the enamel being stripped from my teeth.
I wish I could have seen that my body was going to have 2 partial strokes, fracture a hip, and go through severe seizures.
I wish I could have seen how small my heart got and how hard it was for it to beat.
Putting yourself back together emotionally is probably the most complicated thing about an Eating Disorder, but healing the physical repercussions of one can be just as scary.
To me it’s like that scene in the movie “The Hurt Locker” when Jeremy Renner’s character has to deconstruct all those bombs in Iraq.
Eating Disorders are literally dangerous and destructible, and if not treated correctly could detonate. Each snip and snap of its lethal wires is a fragile and most delicate process.
That’s one reason I really respect our program at Rader. I know that several times in the past when I was being refed it was done incorrectly and caused me a lot of health complications.
Luckily the very last time I ever had to be properly refed was there and I am so grateful on how I was treated with such precise care and precaution. I didn’t have any problems at all.
I think my message to anybody is that this isn’t a disease you play around with. I took so much of my life for granted and although I bounced back pretty well, I have known a lot of people who have not.
I have lost good friends because their bodies just couldn’t take it anymore. They were all very young, and had so much life left to live.
I have also lost good friends to suicide, because their minds just couldn’t take it anymore. They left their friends and family with a sense of confusion, pain, and the sadness of knowing they left this world in so much pain.
If you are presently still active in an eating disorder whether it be anorexia, bulimia, or compulsive over eating, you are putting your life at risk each and every day.
Life is far too precious and far too short to waste it in vain.
I encourage you to get help because you are destroying your body.
I encourage you to get yourself healthy inside and out.
Your eating disorder wants to kill you, and one way or another if it continues to go on it will.
I personally know that I am going to die someday, but I know that I will do everything in my power to make sure it isn’t because of Anorexia.
HAPPY PHANTOM-TORI AMOS
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