If you have never suffered from eating disorders like Anorexia than I am sure it will be hard for you to understand what I am about to tell you. I don’t think anybody can truly grasp what if feels like to be hungry all the time. It’s a pain that is dull and stabbing yet cold and [...]
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If you have never suffered from eating disorders like Anorexia than I am sure it will be hard for you to understand what I am about to tell you. I don’t think anybody can truly grasp what if feels like to be hungry all the time.
It’s a pain that is dull and stabbing yet cold and fierce.
To starve the human body takes extraordinary drive. It takes being able to take your body to a place that biologically it should not go.
To purposefully deprive your brain of glucose, your bones of calcium,your blood of iron, and your organs of nutrients is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
To starve yourself is probably the most god awful feeling on the planet. If insanity had a nightmare it would be sever hunger, and it takes all the chemicals you have in your head and puts them on crack.
Many have taken their own lives to ease the pain, and those who don’t pray that the end will come soon.
You would think that a healthy beautiful female who purposefully everyday does everything in her power to make her hair fall out, her teeth start to rot, her liver start to shrink, her breasts to vanish, and her ribs to be exposed must have completely lost her mind.
Well this is true…because when you starve the body, your “healthy mind says “this is not for me” and decides to pack up and take a permanent vacation.Your “unhealthy mind” moves in makes himself at home and takes on the full time job of trying to make you die.
Honestly you actually become someone else. You start to take on a new identity of being the sick girl, the one who now isolates, the one who if you look at her sideways will bite your ever loving head off. Suddenly you are the daughter with a problem, the sister who doesn’t eat, the mother who lives on diet pills, or the wife who refuses to eat anything but sugar free jello.
You are not Rachel, Alice,Sally, or Lisa anymore. You are not a student, a lawyer, a waitress, or a CEO. You are not a friend, a lover, or baking cookies for the PTA.
You are Anorexia, and it becomes your full time job. The salary is the thin, the paycheck is your pain.
Here is your job description:
Step on scale, get off, pee, step on again, step off, step on, step off, step on…vow to be less tomorrow.
Drink coffee black…2 Splenda.
Smell the bacon that somebody cooked for breakfast, curse it for smelling so good, yet mentally pat yourself on the back for your will power.
Secretly smile that other people are getting fat, and digesting the fried pork that you would never let pass your lips.
Step on the scale, drink a glass of water, step on it again..get mad..take 10 diuretics..while you are in the medicine cabinet pop a few Xanax and chase those down with 16 laxatives.
Write down your caloric intake on paper…look at it and do a little mental jumping jack and rejoice with how in control you are. Flip the page and write it down again seeing if you can magically make the number less, by cutting out a leaf of lettuce, or perhaps a spoonful of rice.
Take inventory of all food in the house and separate them by good, bad, and absolutely never.
Nibble on cereal flakes…mentally counting the calories in each.
Look at the back of every box, every can, every carton, and every bottle.
Eat a sugar free jello..then spit half of it out.
Measure your thighs by putting your hands around them and making sure there is plenty of room between fingers and flesh.
Step on scale…pee again..gut is cramping…you start to feel nauseous.
Stand in front of mirror for hours and stare at your ribs, cursing yourself that you are not thinner.
Start to fantasize about pancakes….pancakes with maple syrup and big balls of butter..oh my god…start to salivate and feel the hunger that is stabbing at your inner stomach muscles.
Slap your self inside..and curse yourself for being weak.
Start to visualize a super model and it all of a sudden makes you feel a high and the pancakes get thrown in the trash. You turn on your music and do 800 sit ups and 300 leg lifts.. you get up and do jumping jacks starring at the wall and feeling so in control…get a muscle cramp… stifle the cry and fall down.. stand up feeling so light headed that you almost faint… your heart starts to hurt and you can see it literally beating out of your chest. Each beat is fighting so hard to maintain,,..and you lie on the ground feeling that you are a success…because these are signs you are still Anorexic. You are doing your job…you are the most powerful girl in the world. Your the CEO of Crazytown.
Lie down on your bed and hear the sounds of others out there living their lives. Other girls going to school, girls going on dates, girls having sex(ohhhh sex…how horrifying) girls drinking appletinis and having happy hour apps (fat cows)…yet girls buying shoes (ohhh shoes..can’t wear them now..don’t care.)…getting engaged (that will never happen to me)…getting married( I wanted that once..was it really worth the trade in??).
STOP YOU WEAK LITTLE BITCH!!
Step on scale and see the number..that is your reward…that is the pay in full.
Who cares that I am completely miserable, that I have no friends, that I don’t want to be around anybody or do anything…
I have my size 0 jeans on and my two digit number on that scale.
I am an Anorexic this is my job…and the only promotion I can look forward to is my funeral.
MARY JANE-ALANIS MORISSETTE
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