Girl Most Likely to Turn Out a Hot Mess…But Go on to Be Quite Fabulous!!
I often sit back and wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t gotten my eating disorder. I mean, what if I had been given a different name… had different parents… grown up in a completely different environment!! Maybe instead of being in and out over 100 hospitals, destroying my body, losing almost every family member I had, and lighting a match to my life, I could have been and done something else.
Before I had my eating disorder, I had all kinds of dreams. I wanted to do great things… perhaps get married… raise a family… be healthy and happy, and know who I was. I knew from a small age I was creative… that I loved to laugh, and that I wanted to be somebody. In high school I had no idea that by the time I accepted my diploma my destiny was about to take a very different turn.
I battled messages my whole life from my mother growing up that to be thin and perfect is what made you succeed. Her messages about my weight and what I ate were constantly being driven into my head. Foods were either good… or they were bad… you were either fat… or you were thin. My father was never in my life, he left my sisters and me at a young age; he came back when I got older, but left again and has refused to accept me into his life to this day. I also remember that I was about 15 when a boy at school made a comment about my weight, I remember his name, I remember the day, I remember what I was wearing and who I was with. I remember going home that day and looking in the mirror and completely hating myself and my body. I was also influenced by the media… I would pore over magazine articles, pretty models, actresses… I was influenced by the way they spoke; by the way they dressed… by the way they looked.
So now I look back and I think about things like this. If my mother wouldn’t have been the way she was, if my father would have been in the picture, if that boy in high school was sick that day, or if I had been more concerned about my academics then the physicalites of life… would I… would I have gotten an eating disorder?
Well coulda… woulda… shoulda… I have no idea and quite honestly, and I don’t care.
I think everybody has a purpose in life…and my purpose was to get very, very sick. Yep… that’s right… I totally believe with every bone in my body that it was meant to happen. Why you may ask would I think such a thing… it’s because I believe that if I would not have gotten so sick… I also wouldn’t have gotten better… and the getting better part is what has brought me to this place today.
I know that because of what I went through, I can use myself as reminder to myself of how very special life is, and also as an example to others that you can survive this thing and go on to lead a pretty awesome life. I don’t think I would trade my life for anybody Else’s now… I mean that… and I also quite frankly would go through every single thing I went through again… because it has made me who and what I am today.
Ya, maybe if things would have gone differently in my life I could have been that Girl who was most likely to be a doctor… a lawyer… the president… but one thing I managed to do was most definitely be that girl who was “most likely to succeed”… it may have taken me awhile to get there… but I did it… and so can you!!