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You’ve come to a place in your life where you have exhausted every resource on the planet. It’s like a desert, empty of all but a mirror. As you gaze into the mirror, you don’t quite recognize the person staring back at you, though they seem familiar. It’s that familiar part of their appearance that you hate.

You charge forward until there are no roads left to run upon. All that running you have been doing, trying to escape your fears, has only led you to a wall of bricks blocking your path, almost shading you from the oppressive heat. You stare at the wall and each brick seems to ask you a question. “Should you stay here?” “Is this as far as you are gonna get?” You don’t feel horribly sick, though you don’t feel well. You’ve reached “emotional limbo,” a place that too many people make their home for life.

I know this desert of emotional limbo because I lived there. I knew if I was ever going to escape, I would have to change myself. But change takes time. You may need to change, but you have to want to change in order to make it work—want it more than anything in the world. I finally had the desire to stop trying to outrun my fears in hopes of being transformed into a happier, healthier woman.


In my last blog I talked about watching that saccharine, hokey DVD The Secret. However, in the midst of the Hollywood popcorn magic, there were some kernels of truth. It changed my perspective on things. Instead of feeling sorry form myself, I allowed a transformation to begin. And that was the beginning of a new journey; a journey to overcome this damn disease. And not only would I recover, but I was going to help other people do the same thing. 

Instead of starring at the wall, I began a demolition of epic proportions. I imagined each of my fears and regrets as a single brick.  Brick by brick, I began to bring the wall to the ground.

I changed my attitude. I changed my values. I became honest again. I became funny again. I became courageous again. I became FREE!!

With the wall broken, each new step led me to the most fabulous destinations. I was doing things I would never have  have thought I was capable of.

I pulled my boot straps up GI Jane style and got a job, but not just any job, it was a job at the same eating disorder treatment center I had so proudly decided to recover at.

Rader really saved my life, and it helped boost me up from circling the drain.

I have worked darn hard to get to where I am now, but every single throbbing, piercing, gut wrenching pain it took to be here was so worth it.


If you would have told me four years ago, when I was barely a human being, that I would be here right now, I would have laughed my head off at the absurdity.

But now I live in SoCal. I work for Rader as Alumni Coordinator. I have a lovely office where I can use my creative juices to pop out these blogs. I get to work side by side with Dr. Rader, who I respect greatly. My bosses are the most amazing human beings, and I feel privileged to be working with them.

I am independent, confident, and secure with who I am, and….wait for it…..I LOVE MY BODY. Yep it’s true, I am at a place in my life that I accept my curves, my imperfections and my beauty marks.

It didn’t happen overnight, but I kept thinking of the Melissa I wanted to become and slowly but surely became her.

I remember when all these little sparks started to become a firework, that I couldn’t help thinking of one of my favorite movies ”Flashdance.” Jennifer Beals finally after welding, and dancing on chairs with waterfalls, got her dance tryout. That end scene is one of my faves, and I felt exactly like she did when she jumped in the air….OMG.

Well I jump in the air a lot these days, and it’s because I put my recovery first and don’ t let any of my old destructive habits near my Moxy.

All this greatness, all this fun, all this fabulosity can totally happen for anybody if they start moving in the right direction. And when you do, let me tell you … what an effing feeling it is!!


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