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Evil Knievel

Question for you..Do you look both ways before you cross the street,  run with scissors, talk to strangers, wear your seat belt, have an active smoke alarm in your house? Do you swim with sharks,drink milk past it’s expiration date, feed wild animals or stand directly in front of the microwave when your pizza is being nuked?

These all may seem like silly questions, but in all honesty do you live on the edge, or prefer to play it safe and sit in wide open spaces?

I always thought of myself as a pretty “play it safe” kind of girl. I could have probably chosen to rebel more growing up, but I never did. I always did things in the “safe zone” because I was always afraid of the consequences that could happen to me if I did not.

                                                            Eating Disorders are Like a Deal with the Devil

Ironically, years later I developed a full-blown Eating Disorder which put me in a permanent game of Russian Roulette. I decided to commit to a 17 year relationship with Anorexia and Bulimia, and I might as well have signed up with the Mafia. Everything from that point on was enticing, but it was dangerous, shady, and could have at any moment ended up getting me “whacked”.

The scary thing with any addiction, is that you lose almost all sense of what is wrong and what is right. You operate on impulse, and that means you make really really stupid decisions. You’ll do everything shy of selling your soul to the Devil to keep your behavior up. I remember doing the most insane things, for one binge, one purge, one pill, one mile on the treadmill.

                                                                                                                                       The Effects of Weight Obsession

I became a liar, a thief, a manipulator of peoples emotions. It didn’t matter who you were. You could be my best friend or my worst enemy, I treated you the same. I took advantage of the people I loved the most, and even bigger advantage of the people I did not. Each day I became better and better at the game of playing people, toying with their emotions, making them feel sorry for me. It’s hard to look back and see who I was, and what I had become. That is what disease does to you, it eats you alive core in to core out.  I just didn’t care, and I saw no consequences to my actions. It was like I had a machine gun in my hands and I was just blowing everybody and everything to bits. I was born Beautiful, but over time had become so very Ugly.  I  had lost every single value I once possessed. I knew deep inside what I was doing was wrong, but the desire to feed the monster within was far more powerful then anything I can describe. It didn’t matter who you were, if you stood in the way of me getting what I wanted, then I would do everything in my power to get you out of my way.

Living on the Edge


Of course when you are holding a gun  so closely to your head every day, you are putting yourself in a position for it to one day go off. It’s amazing to me now to see how very close I came to taking that bullet. I had no Fear.  I didn’t care if I was starring Death directly in the face, he didn’t intimidated me a bit. Deceit ran through my veins, and if my mouth was open, I was telling you a load of Bull**t. If you were a person in my life, I using you and abusing you, I guarantee it.

Am I proud of all of this? Far from it, and it’s that shame and that little sliver of conscience I had left that brought me out of it. What finally happened is I knew deep inside that a cat only has nine lives, and I was on my 20th. Eventually even I began to see that I was only going to be able to “taunt mortality” for so long. Things start to catch up with you, and it’s only a matter of time before the Devil knows your dead.

The question is, how do you “un-burn a bridge?” How do you un-stain a stain? How do you un-ring a bell? It is possible, but it’s a process…stay tuned :)

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