THE EXORCISM OF EATING DISORDERS: BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
I ran into my Eating Disorder today. This happens a lot. It was just standing there. It looked helpless and weak and very pathetic. It didn’t say anything to me, because it pretty much knows not to anymore. It has learned the hard way that I can shut it down with one cool stare. I can shrink it down and make it hover in the corner like a wounded animal whenever I want!!!! It never gives up the hope that even though it almost killed me, I might some day go back to it….ruthless little devil.
Eating Disorders Can Creep Up on You
It is subtle at times and will call me occasionally when it senses self-doubt, or get very persistent and just show up unexpected getting all up in my face when it misses being the one in control. I can pretty much count on seeing him while I am naked in the shower, or when I am trying on a new pair of jeans. He’s always standing in the background anytime I am around my mother, or having a bad day at work and getting reprimanded by my boss.
It’s very similar to running into an ex boyfriend, that uncomfortable and awkward silence. That once shared intimacy now turned into “somebody you just used to know.”
My Eating Disorder is an Ex. It was a huge part of my life. I was married to it. I loved my Eating Disorder with every single fiber of my being. I slept with that Eating Disorder for half of my life. It was with me 24 hours a day. It made me feel good when I felt bad. It comforted me when I felt alone. It never left me…it was always there. When I cut the cord with my Eating Disorder, it wasn’t a situation where we both just decided it wasn’t going to work and went our separate ways. It was a full blown knock out drag out fight to the death. It became one last ditch effort where I packed every emotion I still had left inside of me and divorced the “son of a bitch.”
I do feel that you can get very addicted to pain. You can get addicted to feeling sad, to getting treated like shit, to being made to feel like you have no place in this world and that you would probably be better off if you didn’t exist. Yet, the same thing that is nourishing your agony is also destroying you minute by minute.
It was born inside of me from nothing more than a tiny seed of dysfunction. It grew everyday like a cancer, feeding on all my self-doubt and insecurity. It flirted with my vulnerability and whispered sweet nothings to my uncertainty about my place in this world. I was smitten with its ability to numb all the hurt, yet at the same time confused at its anger when I tried to be myself. Pretty soon I was in a full blown relationship with it and it controlled every move I made. It loved that it was slowly destroying anybody or anything else that got in my way. It had nothing but a pocket full of matches and it lit them for me and then smiled with a sweet satisfaction as I burned down bridges that I would never be able to build back.It loved that it was sucking the marrow of life out of my bones.
It didn’t want me to die…oh no no, if I died it died. It only wanted to take me to the highest measure of misery. It wanted me to live the rest of my life in Hell.
I honestly don’t think it had any idea that I was going to get Ninja assassin on it and kick its ass so badly, that it was begging for mercy. It was totally taken by surprise!
I think that my most remarkable achievement was my incredible strategy to fool my eating disorder into thinking it had won, and just when it least expected it, flipped the table and took back my control.
It is harder to leave a bad situation than it is to stay in it, but once you make that decision to bail, nothing..nothing can stand in your way!!!!!
I fled with nothing more than the little bit of dignity and pride I had managed to hide away in a place where it couldn’t find it. It was buried deep within my soul, and it was what saved my life.
Once I broke up with my eating disorder, There was no negotiating, It was over.
As with any relationship it doesn’t just disappear. The feelings, the memories, the connection still remain.
I have learned though that as time goes by, those feelings get directed to other positive sources.
Time makes you realize how much you don’t miss being trapped inside a cage, and that the taste of freedom and the sensation of self acceptance is phenomenal.
Like I said, my Eating Disorder still pops up, but I am able to just go…”You know what…I once loved you…I now hate you….”You are just somebody, that I used to know.”
SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW-GOYTE (feat. KIMBRA)
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