There She Is, “Miss Skinniest Girl In The World”
I never thought that the day would come when I wouldn’t be the “skinniest girl in the world” anymore. The thing is, I had made it my most “Grand Life Achievement”. I had “Mastered” the “Secret Sauce” so to speak and had risen the bar “so high,” or should I say “so low” in my case that it baffled even the wisest of experts in the Science of Starvation. I had taken Biology to places it had never gone and defied my body so much that I think it didn’t even know what to do with me. It was like really, Crazy Girl? Really…are you seriously gonna go there? Oh yes…I did, and sometimes I amazed myself at how close I came to meeting my maker and leaving this thing we call life.
It had gone beyond a numbers game, the desire to be thin, it had become a game to me. game between me and my mortality. It was like gambling…and the stakes were high…..and call it Luck if you will, but I never once ” lost the house” or should I say I never once “lost my life.”
This was the time, and not so long ago, that the most important thing to me was being the thinnest girl in any room…and the sickest girl in the room. I went to every measure you can think of to maintain this status. It was my profession – my job – my career. I was that girl, and the title came with a pretty price, but one I was willing to pay if it meant having that label. It became my identity and I honestly began to not see myself as anything else but the anorexic, the bulimic, the sick girl, the one who should be dead…but was not.
One of the biggest parts of my Recovery has been losing that identity. Losing that stigma…and letting go of something that had been tattooed behind my name for years. You can’t google my name without seeing the words..”Anorexic.”.. Skinniest Woman..Sick. Waif…Shockingly Scary.”. I was branded with those titles and felt at times I should be paraded around in an open car…tiara on my head…waving at the crowd wearing a Sash that said “Miss Skinniest Girl in the World”.
When I finally made that decision to get my life together…it meant that I would have to give an ultimate sacrifice…”My Identity.” At first that wasn’t too difficult being that no matter how much I ate, or how much I kept down, I was still quite thin. Soon though I started to transition from that to…somewhere in the middle…and then came that crucial moment…that turning point…where I began to shed the sick,..and venture in to the healthy. My guarantee of being sick came mostly in the form of my physical appearance. I knew I was still in my zone, if I looked grey, was cold..had no hair..could barely stand up..and was attached to some machine in the waiting room of an ER somewhere. Suddenly I had color in my face…my flesh was actually bright and had a glow. My hair was thicker and glossy…and my nails which once were brittle were smooth and shiny. Suddenly I had more of a Women’s figure, and with that came more ass, more breasts, more hips. I wasn’t mean and bitchy, biting everybody’s head off anymore…but rather was pleasant and cheery, humorous and witty again. People who usually hated to be around me were wanting to be around me…which I found very odd at first.
All of these new things as wonderful as they were, also scared me to death…mainly because I had no idea who I was now. Yes I was healthy. Yes I was better. Yes I wasn’t standing in death’s door, but now who was going to be the “skinniest girl in the world,” and could I bare to see somebody else try to play that role?
Sadly enough…many people have not only managed to fill that role..but many have lost there lives in the process. It’s amazing to me now how awfully horrible a place that was to stand…and I pray to god I never have to again. I will tell you this, being the skinniest girl in the world isn’t something that people admire, it isn’t something that they Respect, and it certainly isn’t something they want. It’s like seeing somebody with a “brain tumor” and going “oh oh oh…I really wish I could have a brain tumor too” I was blinded by this need to be the best my whole life. And unfortunately my “Best” became being the “Best almost dead girl.”
I truly hope that people know there are so many better things to call yourself, and so many better
things to be. It reminds me of that song…”Que Sera Sera”
those verses that say:
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me.
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.
I truly believe that “Whatever will be…will indeed be”….but I also believe that “Whatever” should never be is the “Miss Skinniest Girl in the World”.