When the going gets tough, the tough CAN’T go back
Most of the time I am very blessed, my life is for the most part a joy. I do however like most people also have my bad times..my bad days ..those moments when sometimes life just seems to take one Giant Crap on my Fabulous little head!
I also find that these are the times that I like to take a turn on myself. I all of a sudden start to look at that reflection staring back at me in the mirror and start to dissolve all the self-respect and love I have worked so hard on achieving. Boom…my thighs are more jiggly, my stomach is pooching out..and my breasts have gotten a whole heck of a lot smaller. Not to mention, all of a sudden my appetite is effected. I start to do tug of war with whatever I put on my plate. Food and the refrigerator are again my biggest enemy, and we start to yell at each other, or taunt each other, or give each other the silent treatment.
Why is it that when my life if going well…I love my body more, and eat with so much more freedom?
It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to see that for years the reason my life was in such a giant mud puddle was because I was having a lot of bad days..and in turn taking those bad days out on my body and my food. This is the way I coped, but the problem was the more I coped with my bad days with my bad behavior, the worse things got for me. Ironically too, most of the bad days were caused by my bad habits, and my bad habits were creating more bad days, hence the cycle of insanity at its best.
The thing with my Recovery, is that it’s really not about the “Recovery”…but more about the “Recovery” after Recovery. That constant stream of momentum that I have to keep going no matter what hurdles may stand in my way.
I have to realize that when I’m knocked off my point of comfort, my so called “happy place”, that I can’t just sit down and cry about it. That, I cannot wallow and that I cannot wane. Sometimes the hardest thing I have to do is “carry on”…but I know that in order for me to be successful at anything…sitting down and giving up is never an option.mI learned a long time ago, that when you have been to “hell and back,”the next time you go, you don’t bring a “winter jacket”. To survive is one thing…to keep surviving is another.
When life throws you curve balls, which it will, you have to hit it back harder then ever. It means when you wanna bury your head under the covers…you get yourself out of bed! It means when you start picking apart at your body…you stand in front of the mirror butt naked and start screaming at yourself that you are Beautiful!
I mean the bad news is, is that this is “Life”,the everyday stuff that gets in the way of our dreams, goals, and good moods..and nobody can avoid it! The good news is…everybody on the face of this earth has to go through it! Even if you were to move to a deserted Island way far away, you would probably still have to deal with Coconuts falling on your head once in awhile and Tribal people stealing your parking space at the local luau. Unless you are a “Unicorn” and live in “Never Never land”…then bad moods, bad days, and bad mojo will at some point hit you smack upside the head.
Now that I am in Recovery, and as much as I know that my old coping methods are a thing of the past, it doesn’t stop the feelings of self doubt and low self-esteem from rearing their ugly heads. I really have to be my strongest in times like these and fight what I like to call the “unwise mind”…the “mind that is basically “one clown shy of a circus”..and the “mind that doesn’t know what the eff” it is thinking”. When I realize that I am dealing with the Mind of my Eating Disorder..and not the mind of the Rational, Empowered, Independent Woman.
Finding healthy ways to cope when your life takes little downward spirals is the key to being successful in your recovery with an eating disorder. No matter what…I can’t take it out on myself..or my food. I punished myself for too long…and just because I am hurt or having a hard time is not an excuse for me to take it out on myself.
It means you put on your prettiest outfit..your snazziest suit..or your prettiest smile. It means you no matter how hard…eat a good breakfast…a wholesome lunch..and a nutritious dinner! It means you ignore the hell out of this thing we call ED..you tell him you are not available to chat..and that he can take the next bus out of town.
Our Eating Disorder feeds on negative energy..the minute he sees he might have an in..he will take it..and the key is to make sure you know this. There are times where you will be more vulnerable, but this is when you have to be most strong. Remember…you are not a Superhero…so when times are particularly rough you should know that reaching out to those who are most supportive to you in life is the key.
Whether it be your therapist, a close family member or a good friend, use these people to help lift you out of whatever funk you might be in. It’s all about Progress not Progression…but just remember…the more you keep your face in the sun…the brighter things will look!