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Did I choose to have a "problem" with eating? I feel like a terrible person (below)

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It's going to be a long

It's going to be a long question/comment/post.. sorry.

I was always aware of eating disorders since I had always read my siblings' psychology textbooks (I was always interested in psychology) from school. Before I researched specifically on eating disorders, I had always felt fat from a young age. Mainly because my aunts and other people who I trusted called me fat, overweight, etc, despite the fact that I was of 'healthy' weight and I still am; I just feel otherwise.

Then I started to research eating disorders in detail. In addition I went on sites that promoted thinness and sites that gave you tips on how to lose weight. I've also read the signs/symptoms, which makes me worry that I'm "copying" and being "fake" because after all of the research I just got into this all.

I weigh myself frequently. Right now, I've been up for 3 hours and I've weighed myself 3 times. I try to go without for as long as I can. I HAVE to eat around other people. I restrict food intake, I've lied to people about what I've eaten or not eaten (which makes me feel worse) and I exercise with the goal of losing calories which will hopefully make me lose weight. I feel like every bite of food I eat makes me gain weight.

I feel guilty that I've chosen this. I feel like I'm mocking people who really have eating disorders and that I'm just sick in the mind. I never wanted attention or anything - I genuinely, with all my heart, believe that I am fat in spite of my weight being considered "average." I want to lose weight so that I'll be happier.

I don't know if this is something I chose to do or something else. At the back of my mind, something's saying that if it was a choice, then I'd be able to stop everything I'm doing. But I find that I don't think I can. If you could answer this question, I will be grateful. Thanks for reading.

First of all, if you are

First of all, if you are maintaining a healthy weight then you do NOT have anorexia. Second, EVERYONE exercises with the goal of burning calories and losing weight. There's nothing abnormal about that.

It DOES sound like you are obsessive about food and calories. Also, weighing yourself on the hour sounds like compulsive behavior. So, you MIGHT have OCD, with food as it's target, but it does NOT sound like you actually have an eating disorder.

The fact that you have anxiety about it is actually a good thing - it means you're aware that this is bad and that you are willing to take steps to get help.

I hope I've been helpful, but remember that no one can diagnose you via internet. You've GOT to go and talk to a professional.

www.EatingKids.com

Clansy...you did not choose

Clansy...you did not choose to have an eating disorder, even though you may have 'tried' certain things in order to lose weight. There is no way that you could have known the dangers and horrors of living with an eating disorder. Once you are caught in the psychological and emotional trap, you are unable to make those changes for recovery without help. Others cannot see this, but blaming yourself will never help you recover. Please seek professional help to interrupt this dangerous pattern and help you move beyond this disorder. Once you are more aware and stronger, you CAN take responsiblity to keep moving into recovery, but you are not to blame. Never give up!!

http://freefromexpectations.blogspot.com/

Thank you for your answer,

Thank you for your answer, Jan. I guess I have a problem, then. I want to see if I can 'beat' this thing on my own since I have some issues with medical professionals (basically I have a huge fear of them). But thank you anyway, and I really appreciate your answer.

You are right that the

You are right that the medical profession is sadly lacking in their education or willingness to learn the truth about helping people with eating disorders. BUT....a therapist who deals with this could truly help you save your life. Very few people are able to manage recovery without some level of professional help. It's the nature of the 'beast', not your inability. Please allow someone to help you. Take care...Jan

http://freefromexpectations.blogspot.com/

It's extremely difficult for

It's extremely difficult for me to ask for help so that's a small part of the reason why I don't really want to seek it. The other part is my parents - I do not want them to know anything about this (I'm not 18, so I can't take the risk of going to a doctor who then may tell my parents). So if I do seek professional help, I'm going to have to wait 2 years and hope this whole issue goes away on its own or at least doesn't get any worse.

Maybe you can approach an

Maybe you can approach an adult in your life that you trust, and explain your concerns. I am not trying to diagnose you, but if you are concerned, this deserves to be clarified. And, not everyone exercises with the only goal of losing weight...a healthy approach is to exercise for the joy of it, or if you are involved in athletics. Our society is so focused on physical appearance and dieting in general, it's sad that even medical professionals are so ill-educated.
Please seek help for your own understanding.

http://freefromexpectations.blogspot.com/

Clansy, Without getting in to

Clansy,

Without getting in to an argument with other people posting here, I do think the one thing we all agree on is that you need to reach out. My experience has been that more often than not parents are the right people to turn to. If that's not possible for you then you should reach out to another adult you trust. The chances of this "going away by itself" is slim. I think that, in the end, you'll be glad you took that first step. I sincerely wish you well.

www.EatingKids.com

Thanks, I will try to talk to

Thanks, I will try to talk to a trusted adult. I really appreciate the advice both of you have given.

Wishing you the best...you

Wishing you the best...you deserve it!

http://freefromexpectations.blogspot.com/