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Never Talked to others....

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Alright, This is kinda a big

Alright, This is kinda a big deal for me...
I just joined this site...And this is the first time for me to tell anyone other than my boyfriend and therapist about my eating disorder. I am 21 and I have been bulimic/ anorexic since the 6th grade. I am terrified of food and hate every part of it! I have been going to therapy for over a year for PTSD. We (my therapist and I) have been working on my bulimia but recently I have been throwing up every day. Witch is good and bad for me.... Good because I'm not throwing up more than once per day but bad because I got it down to once a week.
It is a complete need for me in my life. I don't understand how to keep food in my body without feeling disgusting. I try/ force myself to keep food down but then I get severely depressed and down on myself....
I look at "normal" people and I do not understand how they can just eat food and not have any negative feelings about it. For example, I work in a restaurant, and when someone eats a pizza, they eat all of it and feel just fine...
First, if I were to eat a pizza. I would no only have to modify everything about it. But I am also severely picky about everything i put in my mouth and if someone sees me eating, I get overwhelmed with insecurity. Witch leads to the toilet...
How do you fix this? How long will it take? Because every time I get "better" I get bigger, and I am not ok with that!
Please Help/ Give Advice.
Thank you.

Thank you. I wish I could go

Thank you.
I wish I could go to an actual clinic treatment center. However my anxiety keeps me from doing so. :(
I can not trust leaving my boyfriend or dogs alone. I'm working on this too.
I was traumatically abused for over 13 years by both my father and step mom. To the extent of conditioning, if that makes any sense to anyone. I have so many faults from all of that but day by day I am progressing. I am currently going through EMDR. It has helped dramatically, I no longer black out, witch is an amazing feeling.
But the main reason I joined this site was to find out and hear that I am not the only one who feels this way. That I am not the only one that has the tendencies of thinking that an eating disorder is ok, -that I am not the only one who struggles.

Much love.

Thank you. I wish I could go

Thank you.
I wish I could go to an actual clinic treatment center. However my anxiety keeps me from doing so. :(
I can not trust leaving my boyfriend or dogs alone. I'm working on this too.
I was traumatically abused for over 13 years by both my father and step mom. To the extent of conditioning, if that makes any sense to anyone. I have so many faults from all of that but day by day I am progressing. I am currently going through EMDR. It has helped dramatically, I no longer black out, witch is an amazing feeling.
But the main reason I joined this site was to find out and hear that I am not the only one who feels this way. That I am not the only one that has the tendencies of thinking that an eating disorder is ok, -that I am not the only one who struggles.

Much love.

Hi...it's good that you are

Hi...it's good that you are seeing a therapist about this issue. If OP therapy is not helping, you may need a higher level of care, where you can be contained for your own sake, and that destructive cycle can be interrupted. I suggest that you talk to your therapist about what her recommendations would be, and see if you can get some more intense help.
You CAN put this behind you...fight for YOU!!

http://freefromexpectations.blogspot.com/