I know this is probably a stupid question... but I've had an eating disorder for about 13 years (im 23) but didn't tell doc until about 3 yrs ago. Evrytime I try counseling I freak out and quit w/in 2 sessions. I feel out of control. what should I do?

Hi...not a stupid question. This is a life or death matter. What is it about counseling that bothers you so much? The fact that it's this uncomfortable, speaks to how much you need to work through this.
I suggest that you find a specialist who treats eating disorders, and first thing, tell them that you have had problems trying to do outpatient counseling. Be up front about your fears, and it may help. Please don't put off getting help any longer!! Recovery is possible! Take care!

http://freefromexpectations.blogspot.com/

thanks for the advice :) ... I don't really know what it is that freaks me out so much. I think it has to do with when they start to ask questions that make me dig deep. I feel guilty for talking about my family and the garbage that went on when I was a kid. It makes me uncomfortable to live through it again in my mind after trying everything I can to forget it. Even today after all my years of struggling with it I haven't told many people about it (including my parents who somehow managed to miss it even when their 10 yr old fat kid turned underweight within only a few months and their high schooler was passing out and frequently shaking non-stop... shows how much they were around...). I'm glad I ended up staying with a friend in High school because I managed to go through a type of "self-recovery" but ever since college again I've been rollercoastering repeatedly and I constantly feel out of control. I'm afraid to ask for help and afraid of people knowing my "secret." I know it may sound stupid but it feels like if anyone (including a therapist) finds out, it's like I'm a failure...

The 'discoveries' and disclosures that commonly happen when you are working recovery are tough, no doubt, but very necessary in order to recover. These are the things that have power over you, or else it would not be so difficult.
You are not at fault for having an eating disorder, just as someone with diabetes or cancer is not to blame for their disease. Please don't blame yourself. A therapist should understand this, and also help you unravel what has been holding you captive.
Your parents are not perfect...none of us are, but perhaps certain things that happened while you were growing up had a negative impact. Who is to blame is not the answer, but how do you change the way you are coping right now? Please get help!!

http://freefromexpectations.blogspot.com/