A Necessary Struggle: The Story of My Fight Against Binge Eating
This three-part article was written exclusively for EatingDisordersOnline.com by kjs3957 on SupportGroups.com. She shares the story of how her struggle with binge eating began and what she has done to overcome the disorder.
The soft, sweet buttery crunch and smooth milk chocolate mixture was the most delicious thing I had eaten in years. I was standing in an unfamiliar, familiar kitchen at 12:15 in the morning shoving cookie after cookie into my mouth. They were fudge rounds, and this was my first binge ever – and the beginning of a long, arduous struggle. Had I known then what I know now, I would have sought help the very next day.
My then boyfriend, who is now my husband, and I had moved from Illinois to South Carolina about six months earlier. It was the first time I had ever been away from my home. He and I had just graduated college, were in love and he had found a good job in his degree field. We were 23 and ready to spread our wings, so we went for it!
I had anorexia, undiagnosed, at the time and control issues. Those control issues didn’t hit a fever pitch until we moved. I realized quickly that I couldn’t control what was going on around me anymore, but I could control my weight. So I took solace in that and “went to town” running and monitoring everything that went into my mouth.
How the Obsession Began
Before moving I only ran on a treadmill every other day, totaling about 25 miles a week. Nothing out of hand yet. After the move, the runs started getting longer and were now every day. However, I was still eating the same pittance of calories, so I was not refueling myself the way I needed to. The thinner I got the prouder I was at the control I was able to have over that aspect of my life.
I started counting calories and using a food scale at the age of 25 and was now up to 45 miles per week running exclusively outside. I ran 5ks, 10ks, and half marathons so my running would appear to have purpose when people asked why I ran so much. But really inside I knew my main reason for running was to keep my weight in check.
In Part II of this article, kjs3957 discusses how a knee injury and the loss of control she felt caused her binging to spin out of control.