An Unhealthy Obsession: Sarah's Fight Against Diabulimia, Part II
This two-part article was written exclusively for EatingDisordersOnline.com by Sarah Freitag, a member of SupportGroups.com. In this article, Sarah explains why she developed bulimia and how her struggle became even more difficult after being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.
I also began forcing myself to throw up after every meal. I was falling pray to something I had never experienced before and I was convinced I was going to die. I had given myself diabetic ketoacidosis by not taking insulin and was hospitalized for a week. I gained 20 pounds. I felt upset about the way I looked, but I was changed by the experience. I was happy to be alive. Unfortunately, my excessive running also started to take its toll on me, and I developed shin splints, which eventually turned into stress fractures. I was devastated that I could no longer run, but I maintained healthy blood sugar levels and started to purge less.
Spending the Holidays at the Hospital
However, when Christmas time came around, things got tough. I didn’t want to gain weight with all the feasting so I stopped my injections again, and lost ten pounds in less than a week. It was just perfect until I was hospitalized again. I spent the spring semester of my senior year throwing up constantly, going in and out of the hospital and the doctor's office. I missed more school during that time than I ever had in my entire life. Those months are now a blur to me because my brain was not functioning properly during that time, due me bouncing in and out of ketoacidosis. I could not breathe, see, or escape from pain for months, but boy, was I skinny! More like sickly.
I had dropped down to a healthy weight, even though it was in an unhealthy way, so there was no way I was going to stop. Depression took over me once more and I became suicidal. I began cutting several times a day, and even burning my skin if I felt like I needed it. When my family found out, they immediately sent me to therapy. After graduation, I got taken off shots and was given an insulin pump. I wanted to make things right so I kept my sugar levels balanced, ate healthy, and found ways to work out without putting stress on my legs. I didn’t look exactly like I wanted to, but I was determined to move past everything I had gone through in high school. It didn’t last long.
Starting College and Beginning a New Fight
I stopped taking my insulin, yet again, and started back up with my purging habit. I did not care that I was killing myself because I wanted to die anyway, and I really just wanted to be beautiful. During my first couple months of college I stopped eating again all together. It didn't last long though and I eventually turned to binge eating. Once more I was looking for comfort in food. I responded to this by vomiting and even suspending my pump so that I would get thin. I have not really been able to change since then, to this day. I am killing myself slowly because I hate my body, and I feel like I will never be at my “dream weight.”
It doesn’t matter how sick I get, I refuse to take my insulin. Diabulimia has consumed my life, and I want to change, I really do, but I really want to feel beautiful. I don’t know how long it will last, but I have been trying very hard recently to change my ways. I am so scared of the damage I have done to myself, and I know I will never be the same again. I want people with eating disorders, especially those suffering from diabulimia, to know that this is not the road to take. It is not worth it. I know that everyone says that, but I hope that my voice can be that extra push that can save a few lives because I would do anything in the world to have one again.