Dancing Towards Destruction: My Battle With Bulimia Part III
This article was written exclusively for EatingDisordersOnline.com by TriciaVikki a user on SupportGroups.com. TriciaVikki shares the story of how her struggle began and what she has done to try and overcome her condition.
After 8 weeks of not purging I was afraid to start it up again. I was still going to an outpatient program with my best friend Amy every week, but I knew that I was starting to fall back into my old habits. Not too long after I was out of the hospital I started dating the boy next door. A year later the boy next door and I were engaged, a year after that we bought a house, and a year after that we got married.
Starting a New Life
During the three years we dated I continued to binge and purge. Five weeks after we were married I found out I was five weeks pregnant and my purging stopped immediately, but the binging continued. I had nine months of being purge free, but as soon as my daughter was born I found myself restricting and purging again. About a month after my daughter's first birthday my marriage ended. I was 25 years old, a single mother and seriously bulimic once again. I moved back in with my parents and for the next ten years I would continue to binge and occasionally purge.
Falling Down Again
I gained almost 100 pounds and became very depressed. During this time my dad was diagnosed with Prostate cancer; he became very ill two and a half years after the diagnosis, on Christmas Eve 2010. We took him to the hospital on Dec. 27 2010 and were told that all of his organs were starting to shut down. I watched my mom and sister burst into tears, but all I could do was purge. I have been restricting, binging and purging ever since my dad's illness worsened and he passed away. I have lost sixty pounds, but I realize that I have not done so in a safe way.
Today I binge and purge every few days and restrict in between. I feel that as much as I want to get better, as much as I keep trying to find new ways to beat this, there is a part of me, of my brain, that gets in the way of my progress. I believe that one of the things that has affect my progress the most is the fact that I often compare my body and my progress to other women in groups meetings. I have never really felt ready to recover. I've always just wanted the physical pain to go away, but not the actual eating disorder, but things are different now.
Finding New Strength
I have a 12 year old daughter who has been restricting and she needs to see me eat well. She needs to know that I am happy with my body and my life. I am not in group therapy anymore and my doctor often asks me if I am ready to start the program again, but I don't think I will go that route this time. I have connected with some amazing people on SupportGroups.com and through them I have connected with some incredible women who have helped me more than any program ever has. One of the women has overcome bulimia and is now in school to become a psychologist.
She knows everything there is to know about nutrition and she is teaching me to make healthy food choices everyday. When I slip-up and binge she listens to my complaints, she understands my fears, and she asks me what I am going to do to help myself. I still binge and purge regularly, but for the first time in 23 years I am starting to feel like there is hope. I have faith that I will figure this out, that I will get better.