Living for the Day: The Story of Deazri's Struggle Against Bulimia and Anorexia
This two-part article was written exclusively for EatingDisordersOnline.com by Deazri on SupportGroups.com. In this article, she discusses how her struggle with bulimia began, the difficulties she has encountered and her attitude toward recovery.
I have been bulimic for about 10 years now. I bet you can't guess how many parts of my body are aching and burning due to my bulimia. Even with all of the pain, tears and urges, I never stop my cycle.
Struggling Against Two Evils
I can go from binging and purging up to 30 times a day, to barely eating anything at all. To this day, I allow bulimia and anorexia to serve as a release for me – a release from my torturing childhood memories.
It's a release from my memories of being forced to do things against my will. A release from everything people thought I should be or do. I control my fate through food. No one else gets to have a say on what I eat, and they can deal with it, whether they like it or not.
The Best and the Worst
Bulimia has been my best friend and my worst nemesis. If bulimia could have a face I would give it a big hug and then punch it in the throat and say, "Get the hell out of my life!" I am a grown woman, a mother and a spouse, but I feel like a big fat liar.
Even though I only weigh a little more than my 11-year-old nephew, I don't see that. When it comes to my body, nothing is allowed to jiggle, nothing can roll when I sit, according to the rules, my rules.
In Part II of this article, Deazri discusses how her pregnancy aggravated her eating disorder, the physical pain she struggles with due to purging, and how she refuses to give up on her recovery.